One day I had a dream. I was standing in a room and two persons were there with me helping me add the final touches to my outfit. I remember the clear words I had in my mind during the dream:
I can finally be myself.
That outfit was a dress. I can’t recall much details on the kind of dress but I do remember it being yellow, not a bright yellow but almost mustard paired with some flats. Both were interesting choices for someone who’s entire life revolved around sweatpants and sneakers.
Once the outfit was ready, we headed out, it was no place fancy, just a mall and with each step I remember being nervous of the people I passed by but at the same time felt an immense happiness, a realization of what my life could be.
That day I woke up and couldn’t stop smiling. I looked at myself in the mirror and there it was, a smile so big, a smile I hadn’t seen in years. That’s when it finally hit me.
My life would be so much better if I was a woman.
I’m not someone who “just knew” since I was little. Looking back I can see the signs but at that time, I definitely didn’t know. It took me around 20 years to start wondering about it and then took me some more before I had that dream that undeniably confirmed everything. That dream and what it made me feel was all I needed to be certain of it.
A lot has happened since then but yesterday I made my dream come true. Yesterday I wore a dress in public for the first time of my life and this time I wasn’t dreaming.
It may not have been the dress of my dreams, instead of yellow it was black and sadly I didn’t have any shoes to go with it (finding shoes my size is hard) so ended up keeping the sneakers.
Not the same dress but definitely, the same magic.
I felt incredibly self-conscious at first, felt almost naked. I also still have a long way to go in terms of being comfortable with my body and with that, the outfits I can feel comfortable in but this was and felt like such a huge step.
I wore it for a special occasion, one where I knew I needed to be the best version of me and luckily was one where I knew I’d be surrounded of people who made me feel safe the entire time.
Yesterday I wore a dress and that was only the first time of many to come.